So it’s official. I’m a load of human waste undeserving of  love.  Went to my doctor today for an annual check up and for the first time in a year, stepped on a scale. It said 139 and I was like “um, so how much do the clothes and shoes and stuff weigh?”  The nurse goes “like 2 pounds.” See because in my mind, clothes add at least 10- 15 pounds. Apparently that math is wrong. I go “oh man, I’m a load.” Nurse says “Well, it means  you are happy.” Which is true, I am happy. Happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life.  Happy and morbidly obese.  Here I am eating cake I baked for me and the hubby. He didn’t get any.

Now here’s the thing,  I really don’t beat myself up over how my body  looks.  Never have. I’ve never been athletic, never given a shit if my ass and thighs were flabby, or if my stomach hung over pants. Didn’t give a shit when I was single, really don’t give a shit now that I’m married. As long as I was thin-ish and thank God for my genetics, I always WAS.  WAS!! WAASSSS!!

So what really bums me out is how oblivious I was to my gradual obesity. I consider myself a fairly conscious person. I pay attention to EVERYTHING – if there’s a  guy standing at the bus stop who paints on his beard, I notice.  If my husband sighs differently than normal, I notice.  A new piece of MS 13 graffiti in the neighborhood, I notice. So my own gradual decline going unnoticed – well that isn’t like me. So I looked at history. At evidence. It appears I’ve been in denial. There were photos documenting  my morbid obesity all along! Photos of me on stage looking like the fucking pig animal that I am. And I reasoned them away, going “oh well that’s a bad angle.”  Or “those jeans are just too tight.”  No, Oprah. You are a husky turd. I should’ve been tipped off by how much I enjoy buying clothes at Target, where all the other loads of butter buy their clothes. See the load count here?

And look, I know 139 isn’t lap band fat. Or bed sores fat. Or even Midwest fat. But in LA – it’s obese.  I’m LA obese.  Will I obsessively start dieting and exercising? YES. For about 2 or 3 days. Then I’ll go back to my normal life of not giving a shit. Why? Because it’s who I am. I’m getting older and fatter and you know what? I’m a lot happier.  I spent my 20′s hating myself and flogging myself over everything I said and did. I  refuse to do that in my 30′s.

I can’t be one of these women who hates themselves, like poor Pam Anderson. Have you seen her trying to hold on to her “hot chick” title these days? And don’t get me wrong. I LOVE her. She’s beautiful but Jesus, it’s ok to be older. It’s ok to have a personality and NOT be the hottest chick in the world. Can someone give Pam a hug and explain that? And can someone give me another doughnut?  I’m LA obese and I accept that. I grew up in this city and I love it here. Hopefully LA can learn to love me in all my fatness.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-urban-scientist/200906/is-your-comedian-your-therapist

If you haven’t seen this TV show, “Flipping Out” I highly recommend it. If you’re like me, you love honest, sarcastic people who say the stuff we all think but don’t say out loud. Well, not me. Other people…but Jeff Lewis is a Real Estate House flipper/designer and is so goddamn funny. Watch him with his friend Ryan’s 3 year old. Pure Magic. My favorite is to watch Jeff say horrible things with a deadpan expression. This guy needs a sitcom.

Most advertising makes me angry enough to dole out some dick punches. But this Dos Equis campaign is creative, funny and inspiring. Oh and this guy reminds me so much of my dad.

Until I visited the Middle East this past August, I really had no idea what was going on there. I mean I knew the bearded troglodyte made the airplanes go into the buildings, but I’m ashamed to say I was pretty ignorant of what was happening.  After seeing things first hand, I can’t stop thinking about it.  I mean for over 2 months now I can’t stop thinking about the Middle East. Sometimes I have dreams I’m still there, getting arrested for drinking a beer during Ramadan or getting caned for making fun of pictures of sheiks.

To sum up my thoughts on the Middle East in a sing blog post is really inappropriate, so I’ll start with the superficial observations.  It was scary being a white, Western woman in a place I really did not belong.  The thing Westerners can’t grasp if they haven’t seen it first hand is the mixing of church and state. It’s a Theocracy there, so you will be standing in the airport and hear prayer calls, which sound more like calls to cover your ears and cry uncontrollably. They sound really fucking scary. And I know they are sacred and holy and I’m not making fun of the content of the prayer calls, but the sound. Because to a foreigner  they sound really terrifying and it  makes you want to shit your pants and run away.

Here, take a listen…and imagine standing in line at McDonalds and hearing this siren call:

But what was really special is how women are treated.  Now first let me say that the Quran says that women and men are equal and nowhere does it say that women should be treated as second class citizens. It’s only the  people misinterpreting the Quran that treat women like dogs.  Again, let me reiterate, not all Muslim coutnries treat women poorly, just the cool Fundamentalist ones like  Afghanistan or  Saudi Arabia  where women aren’t allowed to drive, or go in public without their husbands, or more extreme cases like what’s happening in Afghanistan where rape is legal (Yup, legal.)  and women are setting themselves on fire to avoid the horrors of their daily lives. Women also cannot own property, work, go to school without fear of being assaulted, or wear jeans in public. The weirdest thing in the world was being in Saudi Arabia and not seeing a single woman on the street. It reminded me of being in the Castro of San Francisco, only there weren’t velvet painting of dudes fisting each other.

In 2001, the US and NATO were supposed to be in Afghanistan to overthrow the Taliban and institute democracy.  It’s been 8 years and so far the current leadership we put in is still corrupt, as warlords and drug lords fill government positions. Conditions for women and children are actually worse than they were under the Taliban.

People have said that this war is different from the Vietnam war in that we don’t see war  images televised nightly as we did back then. This is true for television, but now we have access to the internet and can read blogs written by people in this war and see pictures and video of real accounts. I found this site www.rawa.org , this is a women’s organization that reports on what is really going on in Afghanistan and how their lives are affected. It is horrifying and sad and hard to see.  I encourage anyone who is interested in what’s going on there to please read the articles on this site and donate any money they can to this organization.

www.hotnudeyoga.com

This is the face of a pedophile.  I don’t care if he makes avant-garde films that the French like, this guy gave a 13 year-old girl a Quaalude and champagne and sodomized her in a jacuzzi. Even if it was the 70′s, I don’t recall the sexual revolution including sex with children. I can’t wait for this creep to serve time in the clink. If you don’t know about Polanski, netflix the documentary “Wanted and Desired”.  It explains how America has morals and the French are Godless Relativist Sodomites.