My friends and husband and I have been obsessed with Eli Porter. His rap battle against Envy is posted below and is considered to be “controversial” because of the outcome. Clearly, Eli should have won, but the guys who ran the show were too busy clowning the guy to give him props (see how street I am?). At first, I saw this video and immediately was like “what the fuck is this and man do I feel awful for laughing at this retarded kid.” But as I watched Eli and listened to him, he really blew my mind up. Sure he lost his way, but he was gathering his thoughts. He took the time to step back and pause, then terminate with extreme prejudice. Who is this man and how has he freestyled his way into my heart? His message is so simple. “I’m the best, mang. I did it.” Just like that. Simple but not simplistic. Ambitious but not arrogant. He just is the best. He knows it. There are few things in life I carry that much certainty with. But Eli knew he was in fact, the best.

After some internet research, I found a small article on Eli in the Urban Dictionary. Here’s what they had:

“Infamous for committing what was quite possibly the longest pause in a rap battle ever. Despite this shortcoming, many still regard him as one of the top 5 emcees Dead or Alive.

Examples of Eli Porters work:
“See I’m the best maynne, I deed it”
“Look at these dentals mayne, with the dent on the grill”
and widely considered his Magnum Opus:
“You need to stay in the shade no wonder why you came out you were already in the gay parade”.

This is her latest work. Loves it. To support this artist and find out more about her, visit Shauna’s blog http://thedailywarbler.blogspot.com/. She’s New York based and such an awesome talent!

I just saw this and my insides are rumbling into full-blown diahrrea. I guess after Hurricane Katrina,  two of my least favorite bands came together and covered the punk classic by the Skids “The Saints are Coming.” What this is is the birth of a brand new kind of turd. It’s the perfect union of douchbaggery with total suck. Thus inventing a whole new genre, “Douchesuckery”.

It was done for charity, so cool. But couldn’t they cover a less awesome song? Something akin to their level of soulless succubus? I’m sure they could’ve collaborated with Kanye West and their egos could meld into one gigantic superturd of a hit.

YOU ARE SITTING NEXT TO A BEATLE, FOR CHRIST SAKE. DRESS NORMAL!

Here’s why I’m upset. If you love punk music like I do, number one you know Green Day is NOT punk. Never have been, never will be. In fact when I was teenager back in the 90′s, if you liked Green Day, we were sworn mortal enemies. I’ve hated them consistently for about 15 years now and I don’t like hating anything because it’s bad for your soul but I can’t stop the hatred!

U2 – I know I’m supposed to like them. Ever since I was a kid, it seems everyone around me worshipped at the altar of Bono and the “Edge” and whoever is in this band. I get it, I see why people like them. They do have talent, but I just don’t like them. Bono is too dramatic and self-involved and they think their music will stop every wrong doing on planet earth. Especially now, they are aging rock stars who have major messiah complexes. Oh and did I mention someone in the band is called “The Edge”?  I’d rather listen to Hall and Oates for the rest of my life than listen to one complete album from U2.

I HOPE THOSE BILLYGOATS BITE THEIR VOICE BOXES OUT.

So, back to the Skids cover. “The Saints are Coming” is a punk classic. The first time I heard this song, it was on a punk compilation cassette tape with X-Ray Spex, the Buzzcocks and a whole bunch of other people I would come to worship like the loser I am. It made me want to move to England, find a boyfriend like Sid Vicious and cultivate a heroine addiction.

The lyrics are poetry:

The saints are coming, the saints are coming
No matter how I try, I realise there’s no reply
The saints are coming, the saints are coming

A drowning sorrow floods the deepest grief
How long now
Until a weather change condemns belief
The stone says
This paternal guide once had his day
Once had his day

Holy shit, find a song written like that today. Here’s the original song. These guys are so cool. Man, I’ll never be this cool.

And then here’s the U2/Green Day douche-makeover remix. They are such asswipes. The original overproduced video with utterly ridiculous footage of Katrina damage and strobe lights is disabled, so I can’t put it here. But I highly recommend viewing it for its total shit factor.

Here’s just the song. I wanna puke on myself. The power and coolness of it is totally sucked out. I hope Bono gets a little bit of cancer. Just a smidgen.

Oh and here’s X-Ray Spex. Just to clean your palate like a sorbet.

There are entire days I spend  hating strangers for no real reason. It could be for their stupid haircuts, or a retarded tribal tattoo. Maybe someone doesn’t order quickly enough in front of me in line and I wish thrush on them.  FYI – “Thrush” is a yeast infection of the throat and the word really makes me laugh hard. But sometimes in the midst of my daily hate festival, I watch this tv commercial from Korea for Etude House and it makes all my loathing of humanity dissolve into Hello Kitty kisses and Bento Box dreams.

The essence of this ad is two sexless, but adorable asian people dancing about cosmetics. The guy is so effeminate by Western standards, but nonetheless he captures my heart. The song is so catchy, it makes me wish I was a part of this cheery duo. Etude House, I am a spaniel at thy feet. You have put your tiny pink arms around my heart and squeezed all the blackness out.

“May have been a good singa, did some dancin’.”  This is the best tribute to the King of Pop yet.

NEW YORK – JULY 4: Joey Chestnut (L) holds up his trophy after defeating Takeru Kobayashi (not seen) 68-64 in the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July hot dog eating contest July 4, 2009 in Coney Island in the Brooklyn borough of New York City. Chestnut is last year’s defending champion.

For years, I’ve watched Takeru Kobayashi blow my mind and I’m very upset at his total lack of dedication to the sport. He is not seen in the picture above, hopefully because he is hanging himself backstage.

Here is a video of kabayashi at his peak, competing with a bear in a hot dog eating contest. He loses. Eerie foreshadowing, perhaps?