From the site www.livecomedyla.com run by Brendon Mulvihill, a review of my performance at Matty Ballgame’s Laugh Lounge at Red Rock. If you haven’t been to one of these shows, I highly reccommend it. Ballgame takes great care in putting up the best comics in the city.

so here’s my review, I mean I could  put up everyone else’s reviews but I’m a selfish pig turd and I need the approval…

“I normally don’t like to categorize comedians…male, female, black, Asian…because funny is funny. Who cares? But people do it all the time. So I want to make this very easy to read for everyone. Christina Pazsitzky cemented herself as the best female comedian in the city. The mark of a great comedian is continual development of great material. It’s about writing. I’ve seen CP (or Pezz if you’re nasty) perform almost 10 times. She continues to make me laugh over and over again with great, new material. She’s dirty, she’s cute, and I’m pretty sure she’s smarter than most of us. She told a joke about her husband’s obsessive grabbing of his crotch that had me screaming. Get off your ass and go see her…she’s in town for the summer.”

Ouch! Did you hear that? My arm broke whilst patting my own back.

I’m attempting to read the Fountainhead by Ayn Rand for the 18th time in my life. It is a huge task. At least 700 pages and written in old-timey language, but I like it. So this week I’m totally obsessed with Ayn Rand and I’m Youtubing clips about her and I stumble upon this. A clip of her on the Phil Donahue show I’m guessing somewhere late 70′s early 80′s.

What’s astonishing about this appearance is the level of intelligence for a popular television show. They discuss the existence of God, ethical duty to (my favorite) “subnormal” kids aka retarded kids and why altruism is bunk. The use of honest language is so shocking – at one point Ayn says she doesn’t believe in helping subnormals because it takes money away from developing geniuses. It’s shocking to hear someone speak their truth, but it shouldn’t be. People say crazy shit in the privacy of their homes all the time. Why are we so afraid as a society to say it in public? Even Miss California saying she doesn’t belive in gay marriage – as stupid as she is – is entitled to her opinion. Why are we so afraid of someone else’s stupid opinion?

But I digress…the point is, how is it in 2009 we are actually less progressive in our thought and speech than we were in the 70′s and 80′s? If humans are constantly evolving – both technologically and socially, how are we even dumber than we were 30 years ago? This episode would NEVER air by today’s standards. Networks would say that it went over people’s heads and the content is too controversial to get sponsorship. But if it worked in the past, can’t it work again? And shouldn’t we all be outraged that someone else is essentially telling us we’re too stupid to have intelligent programming?

Let’s go back even further, to 1959. Mike Wallace interviews Rand in what I consider to be a normal, human-paced conversational manner. It takes 48 whole seconds before he even says his first words. 48 whole seconds that the viewer has to just patiently sit and watch in anticipation. By today’s standards, that’s 48 seconds too long that could be filled with soda ads or cutaways to tits. Again, the level of language and topic is astonishing and the best part is, at one point, he lights a cigarette. God forbid, a nasty cigarette. Anyone but Johnny Depp would be crucified for smoking on television.

This is proof that human beings are devolving into mindless tards. Have you seen the movie Idiocracy? It is one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen and eerily prophetic.

And by the way, Idiocracy is Dax Shepard’s finest work. I mean it, he’s fucking awesome in it.

And look, I’m not saying everyone has to be a genius. Lord knows I’m far from Mensa material, but at least aspire to it, godammit!

At one time, people wanted to be considered intellectual. Now you’re seen as a pretentious asshound for enjoying the occasional book. What’s so bad about wanting to be smart? Or at least trying to be?  Has “get er done” completely fucking ruined American civilization?  Maybe not so much ruined it but tapped into something that was already there – a whole flock of lazy people who need a mascot for their shitty excuse of existence.

I just wish television would stop catering to the lowest common denominator of human life. We weren’t always this stupid and these clips are proof. There is hope in the form of HBO and Showtime shows and the occasional “hard” book like A New Earth…Oh, and p.s. A New Earth is not a hard book. I’ve heard from a few people they can’t understand it. If you can’t understand a new age self-help book of the Oprah club variety, you are officially subnormal. Bam! How’s that for smart talk?

All I’m saying is that as a society we should hold ourselves up to a high standard of intelligence. If we don’t, the Sarah Palins of the world will keep winnin’ and mediocrity will win and it’ll be nothing but Dancing with the Stars forever and ever. And I’m not above enjoying Dancing with the Tards. I like tons of stupid stuff – reality shows, stupid dog calendars – but just be a decent person and read a book every now and then for Christ sakes.

Until we become evolve into the supermasterrace, I leave you with the trailer for Idiocracy.  Time for me to get back into my glass house and throw stones.

Siouxsie Sioux is never suck.

Robert Smith, pre “Disintegration” album definitely does not suck.

Ian Curtis is dead and that does suck. But Joy Division NEVER sucks. New Order, however, really sucks.

As usual, the Japanese always know how to make you feel dirty inside. Here’s their take on the latest fad of girls trashing their wedding dresses after the ceremony is over. Notice the girl at the end taking a silent pleasure in her humiliation. It’s so goddamn weird.

Top Ten Tackiest Wedding Themes

You had the wedding and posted the pictures for all the world to see. I’ve taken those pictures and arranged them in a list of all-time worst weddings. Thank you, cyberspace.

10. You love jean shorts and you love the beach. But please don’t invite me to your jeanshorts beach wedding. 9. Goth wedding. Oooooohhh, spooky. When exactly does “till death do us part…” start? p.s. I think the groom has already passed.

8. Star Wars wedding. Fucking nerds. I just saw some nerds getting married in Klingon on tv yesterday. They even spoke the “Klingon language” which isn’t a real language. You see, this is what happens to white people when they are left alone. Ever see a black couple doing this dumb shit? hell no.
7. The camoflauge wedding. Try harder, I can still see you…

6. The clown wedding. Please don’t send in the clowns. They terrified us as children, now this wedding will haunt our dreams. I hope she shoves a balloon animal in his no-no hole.

5. Hello Kitty wedding. We’ve seen the Hello Kitty toaster, cell phone and even the vibrator. But the wedding? Again, thank you Japanese people for making us feel weird inside.

4. The Elvis wedding. This is the King of tacky weddings. It would be a crime not to include this one in the list.

3. The Nudist wedding.  Look, we all hate wearing pants. But maybe you could make an exception for your own wedding?  No guy looks good Donald-Duckin’ it.

2. The Waffle House wedding. Cuz yer classy. And your trailer is just around the corner.Umm, aren’t you supposed to wear gloves or something when you’re serving food to the public?

1. Drum roll, please. The ultimate in tacky wedding themes is the Renaissance wedding, Milady.  
Rule # 1 for a successful marriage – put the groom in man-tights. If she can respect you in those, she will respect you forever. Oh and did I mention you two are total fags?

I found this gem in a gay magazine in like 1995 and have had it on my fridge ever since. The artwork is amazing. Love the attention to detail in the drawing, down to every curly chest hair.  The pose is genius… he manages to talk on the phone AND wrap his hand around his bloated, distended belly and down his pants. But most of all, they  put this bear in his natural habitat – a scenic mountain setting – rarrrrrr – this bear’s musk is in full flavor and he’s ready to find his cub. Maybe you?